Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The Coders Quotes

UNIX is simple. But It just needs a genius to understand its simplicity.

-Dennis Ritchie

Before software can be reusable, it first has to be usable.

—Ralph Johnson

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.

-Fred Brooks

It's hard enough to find an error in your code when you're looking for it;

It's even harder when you've assumed your code is error-free.

-Steve McConnell

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are sure,

and the intelligent are full of doubt.

-Bertrand Russell

If debugging is the process of removing bugs,

Then programming must be the process of putting them in..

-Edsger Dijkstra

You can either have software quality or you can have pointer arithmetic;

You cannot have both at the same time.

Bertrand Meyer

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third works.

-Alan J. Perlis

Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring

aircraft building progress by weight.

-Bill Gates

The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time.

The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time.

-Tom Cargill

Programmers are in a race with the Universe to create bigger and better idiot-proof programs.

The Universe is trying to create bigger and better idiots.

So far the Universe is winning.


Theory is when you know something, but it doesn't work.

Practice is when something works, but you don't know why it works.

Programmers combine Theory and Practice:

Nothing works and they don't know why.

The Six Phases of a Project:

·       Enthusiasm

·       Disillusionment

·       Panic
·       Search for the Guilty

·       Punishment of the Innocent

·       Praise for non-participants

Monday, September 26, 2011

The suffering 'Common Man'

As a daily habit, ten-year old Pintu was reading the newspaper.

Suddenly he asked his father, "Dad! What does 'Governance System?" mean?

"It's like..." his father said while thinking, "See! I earn and bring home the money, that means I am the 'Money Holder'. Your mother decides where and how to spend that money, hence she is the 'Government'. The maid in our house does all the household chores, so she is the 'Labour Class'. You are a 'Common man' or the 'Public'. Your kid brother is the 'Future' or the 'Next Generation', understood?"

That day Pintu slept with all those thoughts in his mind. In the middle of the night he woke-up because his kid brother was crying as he had wetted the matrices. Pintu went to wake-up his mother. She was fast asleep so Pintu went to the maid's room to wake her up. But there his father was sleeping with her. So he came back with frustration.

Next morning Pintu's father asked him, "Hey Pintu Darling! Did you understand the 'Governance System'?"

Pintu replied, "Yeah Dad, I did. Last night, Money Holder was exploiting Labour Class and our Government was sleeping. Future of our nation was crying for not getting their basic needs fulfilled and in all this Common Man (I) was suffering.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

A crazy guys fix

One truck driver was doing his usual load delivery at a mental hospital, by parking his vehicle beside an open drain. He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to return from the mental hospital. He jacked up the truck and removed the flat Tyre to fix the spare Tyre.

When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the four bolts in the open drain. As he cannot fish the bolts in the open drain, he started to panic as to what should be done?

Just then, one patient happened to walk past him and asked the driver as to why he was looking troubled. The driver thought to himself, since there is nothing much he can do or this mental joker can. Just to keep the bugging away, the truck driver informed the whole episode to the mental patient and gave a helpless look.

The patient just laughed at the truck driver and said you just cannot even fix such a simple problem? No wonder you are destined to remain a truck driver for life. The truck driver was astonished to hear such a compliment from a mental guy.

Here is what you can do said the mental guy. Take one bolt from each of the remaining three Tire’s/wheels and fix it on to this Tyre. Then drive down to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones. Isn't it simple my friend!!!!

The truck driver was so impressed with this quick fix answer and asked the patient, how come you are so smart and intelligent and you are here at the mental hospital?

The patient replied...hello friend! I stay here because I am crazy but not stupid.

No wonder, there are some people, who behave like the Truck Driver, thinking that others are just stupid. So, guys, though you all are learned and wise, but, just watch out, there could be some CRAZY guys in our professional / personal lives, who could give us lot of quick fixes and brush our wisdom.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

If you're an Indian and you think you speak English correctly, think again.

We are a unique species, aren’t we? Not humans. Indians, I mean. No other race speaks or spells like we do.

Take greetings for example.

A friendly clerk asking me for my name is apt to start a conversation with, “What is your good name?” As if I hold that sort of information close to my heart and only divulge my evil pseudonym. Bizarre.

These are  Indianisms.

Which got me thinking about a compilation, the greatest hits of the 11 most hilarious Indianisms out there. The most common ones, and my favorites among them.

When you complete your studies at an educational institution, you graduate from that institution.

You do not "pass out" from that institution.

To "pass out" refers to losing consciousness, like after you get too drunk, though I’m not sure how we managed to connect graduating and intoxication.

Oh wait … of course, poor grades throughout the year could lead to a sudden elation on hearing you’ve passed all of your exams, which could lead to you actually "passing out," but this is rare at best.

2. 'Kindly revert'

One common mistake we make is using the word revert to mean reply or respond.

Revert means "to return to a former state."

I can’t help thinking of a sarcastic answer every time this comes up.

“Please revert at the earliest.”

“Sure, I’ll set my biological clock to regress evolutionarily to my original primitive hydrocarbon state at 12 p.m. today."

3. 'Years back'

If it happened in the past, it happened years ago, not "years back."

Given how common this phrase is, I’m guessing the first person who switched "ago" for "back" probably did it years back. See what I mean?

And speaking of "back," asking someone to use the backside entrance sounds so wrong.

“So when did you buy this car?”

“Oh, years back.”

“Cool, can you open the backside? I’d like to get a load in.”

4. 'Doing the needful'

Try to avoid using the phrase "do the needful." It went out of style decades ago, about the time the British left.

Using it today indicates you are a dinosaur, a dinosaur with bad grammar.

You may use the phrase humorously, to poke fun at such archaic speech, or other dinosaurs.

“Will you do the needful?”

“Of course, and I’ll send you a telegram to let you know it's done too.”

5. 'Discuss about'

“What shall we discuss about today?”

“Let’s discuss about politics. We need a fault-ridden topic to mirror our bad grammar.”

You don't "discuss about" something; you just discuss things.

The word "discuss" means to "talk about". There is no reason to insert the word "about" after "discuss."

That would be like saying "talk about about." Which "brings about" me to my next peeve.

6. 'Order for'

"Hey, let’s order for a pizza."

"Sure, and why not raid a library while we’re about it.”

When you order something, you "order" it, you do not "order for" it.

Who knows when or why we began placing random prepositions after verbs?

Perhaps somewhere in our history someone lost a little faith in the "doing" word and added "for" to make sure their order would reach them. They must have been pretty hungry.

7. 'Do one thing'

When someone approaches you with a query, and your reply begins with the phrase "do one thing," you're doing it wrong.

"Do one thing" is a phrase that does not make sense.

It is an Indianism. It is only understood in India. It is not proper English. It is irritating. It’s a translation of the vernacular – “ek kaam karo”

There are better ways to begin a reply. And worst of all, any person who starts a sentence with "do one thing" invariably ends up giving you at least five things to do.

“My computer keeps getting hung.”

“Do one thing. Clear your history. Delete your cookies. Defrag your hardrive. Run a virus check. Restart your computer... .”

8. 'Out of station'

“Sorry I can’t talk right now, I’m out of station.”

“What a coincidence, Vijay, I’m in a station right now.”

Another blast from the past, this one, and also, extremely outdated.

What's wrong with "out of town" or "not in Mumbai" or my favorite "I'm not here"?

9. The big sleep

"I’m going to bed now, sleep is coming."

"OK, say hi to it for me."

While a fan of anthropomorphism, I do have my limits. "Sleep is coming" is taking things a bit too far.

Your life isn’t a poem. You don’t have to give body cycles their own personalities.

10. 'Prepone'

“Let’s prepone the meeting from 11 a.m. to 10 a.m.”

Because the opposite of postpone just has to be prepone, right?

"Prepone" is probably the most famous Indianism of all time; one that I’m proud of, and that I actually support as a new entry to all English dictionaries.

Because it makes sense. Because it fills a gap. Because we need it. We’re Indians, damn it. Students of chaos theory.

We don’t have the time to say silly things like "could you please bring the meeting forward."
Prepone it is.

11.Heighted / Weighted

Adding ‘ed’ to a word. Trust me, these are not alternatives to Tall / Fat. Beware; the person you are addressing will laugh at you. Your reputation is on the line.

There are many more pure grammatical "gems" in what we call Indian English. Perhaps in time I’ll list some more. And perhaps in the near future, we’ll get better at English.

Till then, kindly adjust ;)
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Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Polish Divorce

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyers office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says:
Polish Remover!!!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Wife Control

God comes and says :-

"I want the men to form two queues :-
one queue for men who had control over their women and the other one
for the men who were controlled by their women.

Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk.

God returns, the women are gone, and there are two queues.
The queue for men who were controlled by their women is 10 miles long,
and in the queue for men who had control over their women there is
only one man.
God is flabbergasted and says, " All you men should be ashamed of
yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all controlled by
your women. Only one of my sons stood up and made me proud. Learn from
"Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this queue?"

The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.”

Thursday, September 15, 2011

A day in my life, the lesson learnt

And life continues to surprise. On and often we encounter such moments which send chills down the spine. They make you feel something. Something which could not be described, for which the words might fall short. The closest we can say is..a Learning. This is one of the encounters I had on one day.

It was an "unusal" day for me, as it started very early in the morning, 4:30 am. With my standards of waking up in the "morning", it was still mid-night. Reason? We were supposed to be the one among the crowd of thousands thronging to be face-to-face with one of Mumbai's famous deities - "Lalbaugh cha Raja", the almighty Ganesha, supposed to be the "Wish Granter". As it was going to be the last day of Ganesh Utsav, we made a point to visit the Lord, so that some of our "wishes" may be granted. Also, there was a zest to see the grandeur for which the venue is famous for. Well, we started fine, reached well, joined the queue among the thousands, prayed to the Lord, snapped a couple of pictures, and started back home. No, This is not what all I wanted to share to be the "learning". Like everyone reading this, even I was informed that the "Moral of the story" was yet to come.

Me, with my wife were to board a local train back to where my home is. We boarded one of the coaches in the train, and realized later that it was meant for handicapped. But, there I met with my greatest surprise in life. A few seconds after we had boarded and got a seat for ourselves entered four members of a family. A young boy of around ten years, followed by his father, followed by his mother, carrying their youngest daughters in her arms. They seated in front of us, and the train started moving. . It took me few seconds to realize the uniqueness of the family. Both the kids were one of the kinds every parent would like to have. Very charming daughter, and a caring son. Add to it, they both were too beautiful. And now the strangest part... both the parents were ..BLIND !!!!

So, when they boarded the train, it was like the game of train we used to play while we were holding the shoulder of the other in front, and the front one guiding them like the engine. Father holding son's shoulders, mother that of father while the daughter was still in her arms. Both of us just looked at each other, and without uttering a word, again started looking at them. The son was talking to his father, uttering very slowly into his ears, while the mother was busy taking care of the daughter, also seated on the seat, between the father and the mother. They all started having some chips from a packet, sharing among all as if they are like everyone.

After some minutes, my wife broke the silence, asking me a question for which I did not have any answer, and I am sure nobody would have. How did they up bring their kids? There are so many things that need to be done for that..right from giving the right place to sleep to right food to eat. But probably that is the "survial of the fittest"..being described in our science text books in school days. I was just wondering the skills of the woman while she would be cooking food. She surely would be using some tricks to cook her food. Might be smell or something.

For next 20-25 minutes, both of us were silent, thinking of the family and one very important fact. Did the parents knew what they posses? Do they know they have one of the most beautiful daughters in the words with blue-eyes; and so was the young boy. So confident as if he can take care of the family and can guide them on the right track. How many families would be there in Mumbai itself, just waiting to shower all their love for a kind they long for so long, and are constantly visiting multiple doctors, innumerable gods and goddesses for their wishes to be granted, just waiting for that to happen so that their just aim in life would be fulfilled. And there was sitting one family before us, having those wishes, but they could not comprehend the wealth they posses. We have read in school days... Early to bed , Early to rise..makes man healthy, wealthy and wise. The statement was coming true.

My wife said a statement which could make a mind healthy, if not body... "We keep struggling for petty things... See them... What do they have? Everything , but nothing. We are so engrossed in our petty pains that we are miles apart from gross sufferings people have. Ours is just a smallest particle in front of them". Secondly these incidents, if you posses those eyes and mind to read, give you the biggest wealth in life... Containment in what we have. If you can look, touch, communicate and hear things you have, you have the wordly wealth. Offcourse money is a means to cherish it. But their is no end to accumulation, and in that, we tend to forget to cherish what we already have.

But this is beyond "Being Human". Every human needs two things...which the next person has, and the other which the next person does not have. And that is all driving the world today. We finally came back home, and thought we have got the blessings already. We were made to realize we should thank him for what he has given us. For what we don't have, life is still there. Keep the hopes alive !!!

Love You Hamesha

A girl and a boy were on a motorcycle, speeding through the night.

They loved each other a lot.....

Girl:"slow down a little.. I'm scared.."

Boy: "No, it's so fun.."

Girl: "'s so scary.."

Boy: "Then say that you love me.."

Girl: "Fine..I love you..can you slow down now?"
Boy: "Give me a big hug.."

The girl gave him a big hug.

Girl: "Now can you slow down?"
Boy: "Can you take off my helmet and put it on? It's uncomfortable and it's
bothering me while i ride."

The next day, there was a story in the newspaper. A motorcycle had crashed
into a building because its brakes were broken. There were two people on the
motorcycle, of which one died, and the other had survived...The guy knew
that the brakes were broken. He didn't want to let the girl know, because he
knew that the girl would have gotten scared. Instead, he was told the last
time that she loved him,got a hug from her, put his helmet on her so that
she can live, and die himself...

Once in a while, Right in the middle of an ordinary life, Love gives us a
fairy tale...

Message "Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you
hold well"

Sunday, September 11, 2011

A Brilliant Law Student Questions His Professor

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Some gender-b(i)ased training programs

Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

Topic 1. Silence, the Final Frontier:
Where No Woman Has Gone Before

Topic 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking:
Making Deposits

Topic 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

Topic 4. Bathroom Etiquette:
Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

Topic 5. Communication Skills I:
Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

Topic 6. Communication Skills II:
Getting What you Want Without Nagging

Topic 7. Driving a Car Safely:
A Skill You CAN Acquire

Topic 8. Telephone Skills:
How to Hang Up

Topic 9. Advanced Parking:
Backing Into a Space

Topic 10. Cooking III:
How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

Topic 11. Classic Footwear:
Wearing Shoes You Already Have

Topic 12. Oil and Petrol:
Your Car Needs Both

Evening classes for men. Starting this month!
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays.
Step by step with slide presentation.

Topic 2. Toilet paper rolls: do they grow on the holders?
Round-table discussion.

Topic 3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?
Examples on video.

Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing control of the TV remote...
Helpline and support groups.
Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum.

Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real-life testimonials.

Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation.

Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.

Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued. Register now! Contact your the nearest Society of Typical Men and Women(STM&W)
Cooperation in this regard is appreciated ;-)

Friday, September 09, 2011

A case of a kiss and a slap

A Manager, his Assistant, one old woman and her young daughter are travelling in a train and during the course of time get themselves introduced to each other and become temporary friends.

The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel.

The women and the Assistant are sitting there looking perplexed.

The Manager is bending over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

The Old woman is thinking:
These Managers are all crazy after girls. He must have kissed my daughter in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.

The Young girl is thinking:
The Manager must have tried to kiss me but kissed my mother instead and got slapped.

The Manager is thinking:
Damn it. My Assistant must have kissed the young girl. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.

The Assistant is thinking:
If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap my Manager again. The Rascal keeps harassing me in the Office.

Saturday, September 03, 2011

Enjoy the coffee

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor.

Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to hot coffee.

When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups and were eying each others cups.

Now if life is coffee, then the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, but the quality of Life doesn't change. Some times, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffe in it.

Don't let the cups drive you... Enjoy the coffee instead.

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